For a girl who does not usually dream, I sure have been having quite a few nightmares.  They have been waking me up in the middle of the night and I am finding it more difficult to fall back to sleep.  I know I have been under some stress lately, but is this my mind’s way of dealing with it? Creating scenarios and situations where I am reliving pain from the past or even twisting it and making it seem worse? I wish it would just stop.

I have not really talked to many people about how bad I am feeling lately, only bits and pieces here and there for the most part.  I guess you could say I feel quite overwhelmed in more than one aspect of my life.  Now, I am not writing all of this in order to garner pity or anything of the sort.  I am writing to get it out.  Get it out of my head. Possibly distance myself from it, even if it for just a few moments.

It feels sometimes as if my world is spinning out of control and there is no way I can stop it from getting worse.  I try all I can to help make sense of things and it just makes things worse. I do have a tendency to want to be able to control things in my life, anyone who says they don’t is lying.  When things feel like they rely on someone else in order for me to know where my life is going, it can tend to add to the stress.

I want to have a sense of normalcy. A sense of accomplishment.  Because right now I am seriously feeling like I am failing at just about everything. The only thing I know I am not a failure at is my job.  Go figure, the most regularly stressful thing and it is my one constant in life right now.

I am facing one of the most difficult phases of my life right now.  Huge decisions need to be made. Decisions I thought I would never have to make. Decisions no one should ever have to make.  I hate being torn. I do the usual “pro” and “con” lists and not even those are helping.  I find equal lists on both sides.  Not so productive, huh?  Well I have to make a decision soon and I can imagine the whole sleep/stress/nightmare thing is not going to get any better until a final choice is made, and for a while after, I imagine when I second guess myself.

So deep breaths, trying to step away for short times (this is where my friends come in handy, what few I have down here), and let things happen as they will for the next few days and try to enjoy my birthday.

If all else fails, at least I don’t have to work until Tuesday.


~ by phoenix924 on September 23, 2011.

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