Fake it ’til you make it.

Positive.  A word I am trying to be.  My mind is at war with my heart right now.  My mind tells me that the ones who hurt and reject me are not the ones I need to be around.  My heart is busy building a wall to keep those same people out, as well as any other ones that may come along in order to protect itself. My heart figures being alone is better than being hurt.  My mind is trying to convince my heart that, as a whole, we are good and are deserving of love.  My heart is not buying it right now and is still putting up the wall brick by brick.

Outwardly and when I am around others I am smiling, joking, and have the appearance of being happy.  But when I am alone it is a different story.  I am very well versed in self doubt and self depreciation. I am my own worst enemy sometimes, but aren’t we all?  Thank goodness this feeling does not last forever.

So I go out into the world with my hair done, makeup on, and dressed nice hoping someone will believe that I am as put together as I appear.  I am also hoping that by acting like I know what I am doing, it will become true.

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~ by phoenix924 on July 30, 2011.

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