Yeah, I got issues….

Ok so I maybe have not been the best person to be around the past few days.  I get it.  I was told some news on Saturday that a friend/roommate is getting married and I am having mixed feelings about it.  Yes, it is mostly selfish that I am not outwardly happy for her.  I really am glad she has met the one she wants to be with.  I really am.  On the flip side, I am going to have to find another  roommate to replace her when she goes in October.  I am scared out of my mind that I will not be able to find anyone worth letting in my house, I was truly thinking she would be here with me for a while.  Yes, I am a bit of a control “freak” and this is making my situation feel out of my control.  I do not function well like this.  I am trying to keep things in perspective and have a few back up plans if need be.

I have been trying to deal with all the crap flying around my head since she told me.  Not only am I worried about the roommate search, I am genuinely scared I am about to lose one of the closest friends I have.  She is the only person I have to rely on here.  Yes, I have trust issues. Yes, I have abandonment issues. I do not want to lose her.  She will be married and moving over an hour away. I will never see her and , yes, it scares me I will be all alone again.  I would never stop her from being happy just for my happiness – ever.  I hope she knows this and understands why I have been like I have been. I know she thinks I am not happy for her and that hurts. I told her I am but just need some time to process.  It still baffles me that they have been together such a short time – so yeah, I am in a bit of shock.

So that is why I have been a bit numb and at a loss for words.  I had them in my head, I just did not know how to put them in order.

So if you guys are reading this, I am happy for you and wish you the best.  I am also sorry if how I am acting hurts you.  Please do not think I am in anyway against you, quite the opposite in fact.  I am honored you asked me to be a part of your day and would not miss it for the world. I love you both.

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~ by phoenix924 on July 26, 2011.

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